


baekhyun has three butt cheeks

by taemints



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Aliens, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Comedy, Conspiracy Theories, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Omniscient, baekhyun is an avid believer in aliens, its funnier when you think of baekhyun having his mullet in this, its literally buzzfeed unsolved, sebaek is love, sehun thinks this is all bullshit, they're literally just being dumb and talking about aliens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 09:24:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12166110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taemints/pseuds/taemints
Summary: baekhyun and sehun have a friendly debate about the existence of intelligent, extraterrestrial life which may or may not lead into a drawing of baekhyun with three butt cheeks.





	baekhyun has three butt cheeks

" sehunnie. c'mere. "

sehun sighed as he looked over from his book over to baekhyun's laptop, and he let out an even heavier sigh when he saw what was on the screen. he and baekhyun had been going at this argument for months, and baekhyun was, in sehun's humble opinion, just reaching for any possible sign to back up his argument. what was even worse, though, was that it wasn't even an argument worth having!

sehun believed that there was no intelligent extraterrestrial life out in the world, and he believed much less in extraterrestrial life visiting earth. baekhyun, of course, was the complete opposite. 

" look at this cave painting from 8000 bc in the sahara desert, " baekhyun said. he pointed then to some figures in the painting, particularly large ones who looked like leaders. " you see these two big guys over here? why are they so much bigger than the other people behind them? maybe they're aliens leading natives in a line- "

" or, maybe, " sehun said as he closed his book (but not before bookmarking it, and not doggy-earring it like his partner across the table usually did). " maybe they're just adults leading a pack of kids. you knew how things were back in the day. if you didn't have more than ten kids, you weren't living. "

sehun looked up from his book to observe the painting closer, squinting a bit due to his lack of glasses. then, his face of disinterest and apathy morphed into one of disbelief. it was as if baekhyun took something that he (being sehun) was skeptical, cynical of, and inflated it to be complete horseshit.

" baekhyun, this is a reach even for you. they're just people! " sehun said, as if he realized just how much utter bullshit baekhyun could try and pass off as evidence. " what are you talking about! "

" i'm just saying what i interpret them as! " baekhyun protested. he looked at sehun with pouty lips, and, under any other condition, sehun would've kissed his pouty little lips right there and the conversation would've been over with.

but no. sehun felt too strongly about the nonsense that baekhyun tried to claim to him as evidence of intelligent extraterrestrial life.

" fine, " baekhyun pouted. he turned his laptop towards him again, and sehun was about to go back to reading his novel in peace before he heard baekhyun turn his laptop back out. 

_sweet Jesus, it's going to be one of those days_ , sehun thought as he squinted at the laptop again.

" and this is supposed to be? " sehun asked, clearly unimpressed with the most recent idiotic carving that his boyfriend had shown him.

" this is a funeral marker from 100 bc, you insensitive _buffoon_ , " baekhyun said matter-of-factly, and sehun almost snorted at how seriously he emphasized 'buffoon'. baekhyun didn't seem to appreciate it (or, maybe, he did, and he was simply covering it up in order to prove his point), and continued on with his lecture. " look. doesn't that thing look like a laptop with an aux cord port and a usb port thingy? how would these people in freakin' _100 bc_ know about this stuff without some sort of more advanced civilization showing them it? "

sehun sighed and massaged his temples. under any other conditions, sehun would've thought baekhyun's persistence and attempt to lecture sehun professionally with that baby face and squeaky voice of his to be absolutely adorable, but no! sehun would not give baekhyun, no matter how cute he was, the benefit of knowing that he had won an argument with him over something that was clearly true: the fact that a more advanced, extraterrestrial civilization _did not exist_.

" ok, but how would they charge it ? " sehun asked with a raised eyebrow. " if aliens are for more advanced than we were in terms of technology back in the day, then why didn't they show us chargers? or outlets? "

sehun leaned back in his chair, and baekhyun crossed his arms and his cherry-lip-balm'd lips stuck out in a childish pout of protest and frustration. sehun disregarded it.

" why would a laptop, if it even is a laptop, be so important to be included on a funeral marker if it died in two hours from just being a blank screen ? " sehun asked.

" i don't know the answers to everything, sehunnie, " baekhyun whined. sehun smirked in satisfaction, much to baekhyun's displeasure. " i'm just saying what these pictures can portray- what are you doing ? "

baekhyun watched in confusion as sehun reached for a pen and paper on the other side of the table. the younger man took them and started to scribble on it, and baekhyun craned his neck over to see what sehun was drawing. hopefully it wasn't a new type of jab at his argument-

" baekhyun, look, it's you with three butt-cheeks, " sehun said as he held it up and showed it to baekhyun. " i drew it, so it must be real! "

baekhyun sighed and laid his head on the table. so much for hoping it wasn't a jab at his argument in a much more creative way. he looked up, and see that sehun had leaned back and was basking in the glory of a supposedly won argument, and baekhyun found himself sitting up again to lecture once more. _aliens do exist_ , baekhyun thought, _and they're intelligent_ , damn it!

" okay, so how do you explain the great pyramids? " baekhyun challenged sehun. " they were made with perfect ninety degree angles, and they were built in significantly less time than they should've. the ancient egyptians didn't have anything to help them out, only their bare hands. "

baekhyun leaned forward over the table, eager to hear what kind of rebuttal sehun couldn't make.

" how do you explain that? " baekhyun asked rhetorically with a grin on his face.

" you didn't think that the egyptians weren't good at math and engineering ? " sehun asked in return. " so, what you're saying is that if i do some lengthy calculations and measurements and build this magnificent piece of art, then am i an alien? "

baekhyun took in a breath before grinning.

" i don't know, why don't you tell me? " baekhyun asked with a wide grin. there. he definitely got him.

" that was a bit juvenile, " sehun said, candor evident. baekhyun deflated and went back to pouting, and took to rocking in his chair childishly as protest. " besides, what if they used a ramp structure to haul those stones and finish it in that short amount of time? "

" there was no evidence of a ramp structure left behind, " baekhyun responded matter-of-factly, and sehun could almost tell he rehearsed this in the shower while sehun was waiting for his turn. " there would've been at least some leftover ruins or debris for a structure that large, but there wasn't. "

" whatever, " sehun said with an eye roll. he reached for his book again, and looked at baekhyun with an expression of tiredness and slight amusement. " all i've learned from this conversation is that art is not proof. "

" but what _is_ proof, " baekhyun started. " would be the fact that these people could not have made such art without a reference, right ? "

" so you're saying that since the creators of my little pony draw unicorns and pegasi with large eyes, that midget unicorns and pegasi exist? " sehun postulated.

baekhyun huffed. " all i'm saying is that it would be unrealistic for these people, whose carvings are relied very heavily on references, to just think of a design out of the blue. "

baekhyun closed his laptop and stood to get some water from the kitchen right beside them.

" it would also be the biggest coincidence in the world if they foretold the future by making these carvings and symbols resembling our modern technology, " baekhyun reasoned as he filled up his special mug with water. sehun watched him as baekhyun turned off of the faucet. " how could they have known that the devices in their books and portraits would be developed thousands of years later and used today ? "

sehun shook his head as baekhyun sipped water from his mug (which was appropriately labeled with an alien holding up a peace sign; chanyeol had got it for them recently after hearing one of their alien debates).

" you know, sipping water from your fancy little mug doesn't accentuate your point at all, " sehun said to him as he watched baekhyun walk back to his seat at the dining table they were sitting at. " it just makes you look like a really, really confident idiot. "

" there can only be one of those here, and it's you, " baekhyun responded with a small smile. sehun rolled his eyes, yet couldn't help but return the smile. baekhyun always knew how to ease up a debate with that small, kiddish, alien-believing smile of his.

" i'm not, " sehun responded. he opened his book once again, and started searching for where he left off. " because i realize that art is not proof. "

" but you have to admit that there must've been some degree of outside influence in early times, " baekhyun added on.

sehun sighed and rolled his eyes.

" yes, " he replied. sarcasm could be seen dripping from his voice, and it could be heard as it fell onto the floor in drops. " i believe that aliens showed up, gave us ipads...a roomba...and a febreeze air freshener dispenser, and then left. "

" in that order? " baekhyun asked, stifling laughter some. he was clearly amused by sehun's sarcasm, and sehun was quite pleased by that. he always was; even in the midst of their debates over a clear-cut scenario (which is, more often than not, debating the influence of a fantasy extraterrestrial race over early human development), baekhyun could laugh at sehun's dry humor.

" yes, precisely in that order, " sehun responded. baekhyun took another sip from his mug, and sehun sighed as he stared at baekhyun with a relaxed gaze.

" you still look like a really, really confident idiot, " sehun told him bluntly.

" not as much as you do right now, with that thick novel open and that fancy bookmark, " baekhyun responded.

sehun shrugged as he picked up his book, eager to leave this bullshit conversation of aliens and immerse himself back into the drama his book held.

" rather read this than discuss something that you won't admit you're wrong about, " sehun said with a sort of coolness.

" yeah, just disregard all of these piles of evidence, " baekhyun said as he went back onto his laptop.

" three butt cheeks, baekhyun. art is not proof, because if it were, then you would have three butt cheeks. "


End file.
